Saying Goodbye To Toxic People
“It starts here.” She said with her pointer finger on her chest. “It starts with me loving myself, knowing that I deserve better.” As she spoke the words trembled.
She is me. This version of myself that took pain to find. This version of myself that is still learning how to love herself.
When you say goodbye out loud it’s real. There is no going back and that is the point. It took a long time to understand that people come and go. When they go they take something with them and ideally you grow.
The problem is we hold on to the good memories as friendships crumble. We take into consideration years of the relationship and the convince it brings. Many of us are scared to be alone so we suffer in toxic relationships telling ourselves it’s okay.
So how do you get rid of toxic people from your life?
First, we identify who these toxic people are.
People who judge you.
People who have spoken badly about you.
People who have threatened your well being.
People who have given you false hope.
People who bring or cause trouble.
What are the characteristics of a toxic person?
Now we say goodbye to toxic people…
First, write down all the things this person has done to you.
Capture what they did while your feelings are still fresh. Pour all of your emotions into the paper. If you feel sad say it. If you feel angry, write it.
This step is important because when it is time to say goodbye to toxic people we really care about, we look for excuses. This step will remind you later exactly why they need to go. Often we forget the exact things that were said or how hurt we were by the situation.
Understand this process will not happen overnight.
Some people will beg for forgiveness and unfortunately, repeat the same toxic behavior. During this process, you have to be strong. Looking back at your notes is a great reflection and reminder of why you are removing this person from your life.
Distance can be a great thing.
Sometimes we need time to think and analyze our decisions. You need to make sure that this is what is best for you because once you break a relationship it is very difficult to go back. Distance will determine if you are willing to keep these people in your life. It will show if they even care to be in your life. Are you just convent for them? Are they "checking in" just to be noisy? Distance will open your eyes.
Distance can also be the cure, the problem solver. You may realize this best friend can just be a distant friend. If your family is difficult to deal with you may only go to major family functions and call occasionally.
Personally, distance is helpful because cutting people off is not always the cure. We need to be able to talk about our feeling and set boundaries to ensure these people understand how we feel. Now if these people continue to disregard our wishes then we can get the scissors and start cutting them out of our lives.
Be honest with yourself.
What is it that you want from the relationship? Can you get there? Be honest with how people are. Know that most likely they are never going to change. My biological father who fails to call will always fail to call. This will not change and instead of excepting it, I have chosen to move forward without it. I am honest with myself and sometimes it is hard. We want things that aren't going to happen or want people to understand things that they don't.
Overall, I encourage you to face these toxic people and try to mend the relationship but do not sacrifice yourself in doing so. Set boundaries, be strict with your heart and your home.