Depression is a B*tch with Endless Triggers
Now I am no expert but when it comes to my own depression I often find that the same things trigger it. It could be a different situation but the concept of the situation forever puts me in this place. Now there are levels to this depression I felt. In 2015 it was the worst...at its highest. I would get these horrible anxiety attacks.
It felt as if an elephant was stepping on my chest. As if the air in the room evaporated.
Then tears would run down my eyes because I was scared. I faced many anxiety attacks alone. I remember that year like it was a horror movie. I had watched it over and over again.
It was the worst year of my life.
I had just moved to Orlando for a job opportunity and I was beyond excited...at first. I was 20 years old and it was the first time I had ever lived alone. My family was very far away and I didn’t have many friends nearby. I thought making friends would come easy but instead, it didn’t. Most people at my job were older married men and women. People my parents' age.
It was after the first month I got homesick. At first, that’s what I thought it was but it was really loneliness. My job at the time was boring so the days went long. Then I’d go home to an empty apartment and time continued to go slow.
At the time, money was really tight so my apartment looked vacant. The living room was pretty empty with only a brown sofa against the wall. Then my dining room had a small table that I’d never eat on with chairs I didn’t properly assemble. My bedroom just had a bed with a lamp and my tv. It was as if my apartment reflected me...sad.
I would go home and call my family and the friends I did have and that’s when it all got worse. My family got tired of hearing my sad song on repeat or they were too busy to talk. I mean who wants to talk to a sad girl on a Saturday night?
While everyone was out enjoying their lives I was left in this box alone. I felt like the sadder I got the worst my relationships with people got. I remember one family member would get so upset every time I would call. Aggravated at the fact that I was so sad inside. And of course, that family member believes you can only use the term “depression” if a doctor diagnoses you.
So here I was lonely and depressed with no one to listen too. I got tired of calling but at the same time, I needed someone to talk to. It was getting worse.
My depression was eating at me.
Then that’s when I had the anxiety attacks and I felt like the depression had fully taken over me. I remember praying for more love and support in my life. I remember hoping I could stop crying because that was when the anxiety attacks would kick in.
They would happen for minutes that seemed like hours. The empty walls were caving in. I was drowning in my own tears and for the very first time in my life, I was disappointed. I was disappointed in all of those people I thought would support me. Those who would listen to me vent and cry. But instead, not one person was there for me. I felt like I was walking in a desert alone.
After a while, a few people came around and tried to help more but I knew I was alone. I knew it was time I get myself out of this darkness. The only way I knew how was to distract my mind. So I worked a lot! I volunteered to do things and work on weekends. Anything to get my mind off of being alone. I had become to busy to call people or shall I say hope someone called me.
I am sharing my story to tell you, that only you can defeat your demon, depression. I wish I had done more to help myself like listen to my favorite pastor or work out. But instead, I suffered because I chose too.
Do not choose to suffer, choose to prosper.
Do not wait for someone to hold your hand through this tough time because you might get disappointed. Instead, use those two hands to pick yourself up. Find a place where your heart and mind can slowly start to mend. Make the best choices slowly. Most importantly when trying to get out of my depression I surrounded myself with positivity. From deleting fake looking people on Instagram to adding motivational quotes. I even ignored a few people until I could heal.
There are days I feel lonely. It’s never as bad as it was in 2015 and that’s because I won’t let it. I don’t confide in those people because they never understood my depression in the first place. I have learned to confide in my therapist. Someone who helps me clear my mind and someone I am very honest with. Someone I know won’t tell my secrets or cancels on me. She is reliable and necessary for me as I grow.
Loneliness is my trigger. When I feel alone the feeling starts to resurface. I can’t control feeling lonely even when I have people around me. However, I can control my depression and choose not to let it take over.
If you face depression and it is really bad or you may have thoughts of suicide please call 1-800-273-8255 and seek help.
No matter what level of depression you face please find a way to help yourself. From therapy, religion (pastors/ministers/etc.), motivational speakers, working out, writing, singing.
And just know if you feel like no one will listen...I will. You can always write to me at Salathia.email@example.com