Discovered Something New

I walked into the large house with antique wood floors. The air was cold and the lights were dim. I could hear the soft sound of Christian music playing from a stereo above the old fireplace. “This is definitely a different setting,” I said to myself as I sat in the large brown chair. There were loads of magazines next to me with positive messages. A lady with dark brown hair entered the room. Her hair was short and her glasses sat perfectly on her face. She looked like a slightly older version of Neve Campbell (the main character from scream). Her smile was contagious as she greeted me “you must be Salathia”. I nodded my head as I shook her hand. We walked to the back of the house into her office. There were three chairs and automatically I knew which one was mine. The walls were nude but the pictures on the walls spoke loudly. She took out her notepad and we got started.

Week after week I find myself uncovering more issues I didn’t know existed. Time after time I am being held accountable which is what I need right now.

Especially when you are like me, someone who spent her whole life hiding her emotions instead of saying them. I was the definition of passive-aggressive. I will not lie to you, at times I still am. It is a habit I gained at a young age. At times I want to say what is on my mind but then there is a lump in my throat and the words get stuck. It is only when I am angry that the real me appears as if she was summoned.

I read a quote that said real self-love is about calling yourself out on your sh*t to grow. I spent so much time blaming everyone around me for my actions and attitude; it is easier that way. It took awhile for me to even notice I was blaming everyone else. I was so deep into this denial bubble people started calling me arrogant (I am far from arrogant).

During our session, I was asked, “who do you want to be?” At first, I thought to myself, “huh?” Then as we spoke more I started to understand. What version of myself did I want to keep? What version of myself did I feel needed to go? When I was able to confront my weaknesses was when I stopped blaming everyone else.

Therapy is for everyone. I think it is definitely needed for personal development. We all have our own habits that have been instilled in us and unconsciously we do things based on those habits. We only know what we have learned or witness.

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This process has helped me grow and develop with age as I seek a happier life. It isn’t easy facing your demons. It isn’t easy admitting you are wrong but... it is worth it. In six months I have learned so much about myself. I learned that I don’t like dressing up, I much rather be comfortable. I learned that I appreciate all women and believe everyone is beautiful in their own way. I learned that I speak too fast and say things I often regret. With this, I focus on the areas in which I need to grow. In the end, I have to live with myself and what you do behind closed doors is the real definition of integrity.